Thursday, June 13, 2013

Carnival of MS Bloggers #143

Welcome to the Carnival of MS Bloggers, a bi-weekly compendium of thoughts and experiences shared by those living with multiple sclerosis.

by Annettia at My Life According to MS

I still have days where I forget about my new reality.  I guess sometimes it is quite easy for me to forget.  I mean, minus the bone-numbing fatigue and the almost peeing in my pants at least once a day and the excruciating nerve pain I really can forget that I have different abilities.
I mean, I guess that’s expected, right?  I am still considered a newbie…I think.
So, sometimes I forget about my ability status.

Until I am reminded…

Usually by that cold, hard, deep blue rear-view mirror placard I keep in my purse.
This recently happened to me.  I’ve been feeling quite “normal” whatever that means.  Then this week it was a tad humid and I’m kind of fighting a cold or allergies or something.  That always messes with my abilities.  Then it was a bit warm at work.  And I had to walk quickly.  And I started to feel off…

I always start to get a little bit scared and worried when that feeling happens.  You know, that feeling where my legs get a little weak.  And this isn’t the good weak like I just saw my crush walking toward me.  This is the weak where I may not be able to walk to my car after work.  Or the kind of weak where I may need my mom to wheel me out of Target in the shopping cart.  Or the kind of weak where I have to find a seat in the middle of a store and rest for a bit before I move on.

Then, the unthinkable happened.  I went to lunch with my work team to celebrate a coworkers baby.  My supervisor sat right next to me. 

Now, remember, I keep my handicap placard in my purse in case I’m ever not driving and I need it.

I am normally very aware of the bright blue placard in my purse and do a fabulous job at hiding it from people that do not yet know of its existence.
Until this day.

Oh yeah, I totally forgot that I was with an entire TEAM of people that are not yet aware of my ability status.  And I am not yet ready to inform this team of people.  And my supervisor was right next to me.

As I was shuffling through the contents of my purse looking for my wallet, my cold, hard, blue placard found its way to the top of my purse and poked its head out of the zipper.  I noticed my supervisor discreetly glance at my purse right at that moment.
I think I was found out.

But she didn’t say a word to me.
We are all therapists!  Come on.  What would she say?  “Why are you a cripple?”  Or, “You don’t look like you need that!”  I doubt any of those words would come out of her mouth.

But I still felt that fear.
I made it through the rest of the day without any other incidences involving my ability status and actually forgot about the entire scenario until I was driving home that evening. 
That’s when it hit me.
I have a disability.
I honestly, truly, 100% have a permanent disability.

What. The. Hell.
And cue the uncontrollable tears. 

How do I forget these things?  It’s not like MS is easy to forget.  Especially when it pervades every single fragment of my life.  It’s not as if MS is something that just fades into the distance and can easily be forgotten.  It’s not like I don’t wake up every single morning wondering if this will be the day when my next relapse hits or the day where my legs decide to not work again or the day my eyes decide to develop optic neuritis.

But the fact of the matter is…I often forget.
Until I am reminded by that cold, hard, blue truth.
I think I would forget more actually, without that placard.
Maybe I have a lesion on that part of my brain that should remember about my disability!

This concludes the 143rd edition of the Carnival.  The next Carnival of MS Bloggers will be hosted here on June 27, 2013. Please remember to submit a post (via email) from your blog of which you are particularly proud, or which you simply want to share, by noon on Tuesday, June 25, 2013.

MS Bloggers A-D

MS Bloggers E-L

MS Bloggers M

MS Bloggers N-S

MS Bloggers T-Z

MS Caregivers and Loved Ones

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